Adventures in California!

Day 1: Today, JZ and I have decided to simply relax and take it easy. After making a few stops at numerous stores, we settled in to grill up a couple of steaks. Or so we thought. As it turns out, the grill we were using had been blessed by Ares, god of war. By cooking a couple of steaks on it and reciting the words, “Your behavior is becoming increasingly silly,” the grillers would develop super powers. I developed the power to use my left hand with equal dexterity as my right, while John gained the powers of good fashion sense and exceptional verbal skills. Eager to try out our newfound super powers, we quickly took off to the streets of LA. Before long, we found ourselves face to face with the merciless villain and sociopath Buckethead. After a long and tiresome battle, John and I were beaten senseless, and the police eventually arrived and captured Buckethead themselves. Disappointed and furious, Ares came and stripped us of our powers, giving them instead to a pair of chimps, hoping he’d have better luck outside of our species. Scraping our bloodied egos off of the pavement, John and I returned home.

Day 2: Ignoring the deep ties to Satan, JZ and I went to Disney Land anyway. While riding the Haunted Mansion ride, I made the discovery of what really happened to Walt Disney. After his apparent “death,” his soul had been bound to the confines of on of the numerous animatronic ghosts within the mansion, due to the work of the demonic sorceress Schurnketh. Since the ride only passed by his spirit for about 20 seconds, we were forced to ride numerous times in order to have a full conversation with Walt. As it turns out, Walt is a big fan of the work we here at McHelmski Studios produce. He even described it as, “…way better than the bucket of crap my company became after I died.” Walt then told us that we were the only ones truly capable of decent entertainment anymore, and decreed that we were the only ones capable of taking his place in the world. Having gained confidence after receiving Walt’s blessing, we then proceeded to ride Space Mountain seven times in a row. As it turns out, riding Space Mountain seven times in a span of under three hours officially counts as actually having been to space, making the two of us fully-fledged (yet drastically under trained) astronauts.

Day 3: Today, we decided just to go hang out at the beach. Unfortunately, the beach in question was at the bottom of a cliff. After climbing down the cliff, I then came to the sudden realization that we would need to climb back up. All went well for a while, but JZ slipped and bashed his head against a rock. Though suffering no serious injuries, he did develop amnesia and started to believe that he was actually a mountain goat. When no amount of coercion could convince him otherwise, I eventually led him up the rest of the mountain by coaxing him with a bag of trail mix that I happened to have with me. (I always keep a bag of trail mix in my pocket, just in case one of my companions happens to turn into a mountain goat.) Finally at the top of the cliff, John got into a fight with his car. After trying to ram his head into it, he regained his past memories and attempted to explain to me why the events of the day “never happened.”

Day 4: The two of us made the trip out to Universal Studios. While standing in line for the “Receiving a big, sweaty hug from John Candy experience,” I made the mistake of mentioning Paramount Pictures. My actions accidentally sparked the violent “My movie studio could kick your movie studio’s ass” turf war of ’06. Trapped between the two sides, we felt powerless to do anything about what appeared to be certain death. However, just before I was stabbed in the face with a swordfish, JZ and I used our power rings to summon the spirit of Walt Disney. Walt quickly used his powers (granted to him by the Seven Mystical Dwarven Superbeings) to end the war and discuss his plans for an upcoming animated musical based on the life story of the notorious Son of Sam. Then JZ and I had snow cones.

Day 5: Upon awaking, I discovered that I had developed a sinus infection. Presumably inflicted by a revenge-seeking Ares, I decided not to let him get away with it. JZ volunteered himself down to minute size, entering my bloodstream to combat the infection. But once inside, his mountain goat alter ego emerged once again. After several painstaking hours of waiting for Johngoat to find a nice patch of grass to eat, he eventually came to his senses and defeated the virus. Outraged, the God of War came to kill us himself. Knowing that even the might of Walt Disney would be useless against him, I was forced to call upon my own power. Summoning every ounce of confusing speaking methods at my disposal, I eventually talked Ares into believing that he didn’t actually exist. He eventually left to go ponder his newly found non-existence, while we celebrated our dual victories over a cold one. We were eventually approached by Hera and Aphrodite to help them populate another planet with a super race, though we were forced to decline due to a reason that seemed to make a lot of sense at the time but that we are unable to remember and are now really upset with ourselves for not taking them up on it.

Day 6: Today is the day that I was supposed to return to my home in Michigan. However, before entering the airport, I was grasped and taken away by a bunch of hawks. The hawks imprisoned me in their labor camp, where I was forced to regurgitate food into the mouths of their young. After several minutes of this, I devised a means of escape, in which I would make an intricate glider out of hawk feathers and regurgitated food. However, I soon realized that was silly, and instead just jumped out of the tree. Thankfully caught in an updraft, I was blown to Detroit, and finally made my way back home.