No, it just isn’t enough to kill the world’s people. You
need to kill the world itself. But how to do it? Looks like now would
be a good time to get one of those doomsday devices you’ve heard
so much about.
You open one of the drawers in your desk
and pull out the most recent edition of the Villains Catalogue. It sells
everything from black cloaks to orbital space stations. You thumb to
the entry on doomsday devices. “See Armageddon machine.”
You sigh and turn to the appropriate page.
Ouch! You had no idea that
doomsday devices were so expensive. You’re not going to be able
to afford a single one of these. But wait, what’s this? Three
of the items are on sale. Which one will you choose?
“Sick of the whole planet? Or maybe
you’re tired of that damned moon always orbiting around, thinking
it’s so great? Well, not to worry. With Broncoslam’s new
black hole generator, you’ll never have to put up with uppity
celestial bodies ever again. At the push of a button, you can make anything,
and I mean anything, become stretched out into a spaghetti-like shape
for all eternity. Broncoslam’s Black Hole Generator. It sucks,
guaranteed.”
“Sure, the planet
we live on is great. We all love it. What could be better? But don’t
you wish it were different sometimes? Don’t you wish that, instead
of slowly rotating on its axis, it were instead boiling away into its
composite atoms, never to be seen again? If this is the case, then you
need LasAway, the only orbital death laser made by LasaDyne. New feature
includes an intensity setting; make LasAway hot enough to burn away
half the solar system, or tame enough to torment your cat. With LasAway,
the possibilities are endless."
"Still suffering from memories of your crappy childhood? Or the results
of failed plans to take over the world? Or are you just tired of being
wrong all the time? Well now you’ll never have to worry again. Get
a load of the new Space/Time Reconstructor. Alter your immediate past
to make your present more enjoyable. Or simply recreate the history of
the Universe. Remember: Don’t fix yourself, fix reality."
• Will
you purchase the black hole generator?
• Will you purchase the orbital death
laser?
• Will you purchase the time reconstructor?
