As much as you hate the planet, you don’t really want to destroy it. You’d rather just teach it a lesson. If you eradicate all the people living on it, then perhaps the planet will learn its lesson and will produce something better the next time.

All you have to do now is determine the method of execution. You pick up the phone and dial a local business.

“Chet’s Villain Emporium. Chet speaking. Can I help you?”

“Yes,” you say. “I’m looking for something that will kill a large number of people, but that will leave the planet largely intact. What do you have in stock?”

“Well, I just got a fresh shipment of nuclear bombs in. Those create a big bang, wipe out most anything living, while leaving most of the land. Property values may decrease, though. And the cockroaches may be a problem. Damned things can survive anything.

“I’ve also got a weather machine. I got it from the guy used, but it still runs perfectly. I could let it go for a reasonable price. What do you say?”

• Do you want to nuke the planet?
• Do you want to alter the planet’s weather?