Nothing says super villainy like an orbital death laser. Death lasers are a staple in many of the classic villain schemes. It’s a time-proven winner. Although, you do question why, if it’s such a guarantee, no one has managed to destroy the planet yet. Oh well. Time enough to ponder that while you await your delivery.

* * *

Your death laser has been built on the moon. You are back behind your desk, holding the remote control that will obliterate this pathetic planet. You step over to the window and look up at the sky. Calmly, you press the large, red button.

You feel a brief disturbance, as though millions of voices cried out at once, and were suddenly silenced. Actually, though, what you felt were your internal organs evaporating away. And your external organs. And all the interdimensional organs that human anatomists haven’t even discovered we possess yet.

If you still had lungs, you’d let out a scream of triumph. Sure, you may be dead, but so is everyone else. You have accomplished your goal. After all, a victory is a victory.

Congratulations? Try again!