Lamentations of an Overlooked RPG Character

Oh, this is absolute torture. It’s so boring around here. And the more I sit here and do nothing, the more I come to hate this so-called Hero. I can’t help it. He promised adventure and excitement. Instead, I get to sit in his house and stare at the wall. But still, I know that joining him was the right thing to do. No. It was the only thing to do.

I mean, he comes up to me, and he was fairly intimidating. He’s got this big-ass broadsword, and he never says a damned thing the whole time. He just stares at me. Following him is this huge, dark-skinned guy with a shoulder-mounted laser canon. And then, following him, there’s this cute chick with a cane. She seemed so out of place with these other two guys. I mean, there’s these two guys who look like they could probably take out a group of hill giants by themselves, and then here’s this girl who would be more suited for modeling.

So anyway, the guy with the sword, he just stands there and looks at me, while his crazy-ass hair blows all over in the wind. The other two do all the talking for him. They explain to me that this guy, this Hero, is on a quest to defeat the Dark King and restore peace to the land. Then they ask me if I have any information about the Legendary Sword.

Now, I’d grown up in that area, and I’d been playing in the East Cave since I was a kid. Of course I knew where the Legendary Sword was. I offered to take them to it myself. Why not, right? Their goals seemed noble enough.

So, I start leading them through the cave; only it’s a bit different than how I last remember it. For one thing, the animals are all really unusual. I mean, the cave was always filled with rats, bats, and poisonous slugs. However, they were never this plentiful, or this large. And they damn sure weren’t this aggressive. We had to fight for our lives the entire time we were in there.

But, if that wasn’t bad enough, it turns out that the Dark Lord had predicted we’d come there. When we finally came upon the Legendary Sword, we found one of the Dark Lord’s lackeys waiting there for us. He was this big, armored buffoon. He wasn’t very bright, but he had an axe that was bigger than I was. It’s a good thing our adorable, staff-wielding woman was adept at White Magic, or our quest would have been over then.

So, after taking a few good-sized hits, the big guy runs away, and our silent leader takes the sword, hair still askew. Now, supposedly, this sword can only be held by some Hero of Legend. I attempted it once, but I couldn’t even lift the damned thing. So, it was then that I realized that there was more to this guy than crazy hair and a strong sword arm. I asked if I could join him in his adventure.

As usual, he said nothing. Both the chick and the black dude encouraged him to accept me into their group. Then, one word escaped his lips. He looked me in the eye, sheathed his sword, and simply said, “Yes.” That remains the only word he has ever spoken to me.

Anyway, we travel on for a few days, and we meet this mage. Now, this mage asks to join our group as well. And, like the last time, we offered our opinions, followed by the single word, “Yes.”

However, that was the exact moment everything went sour. See, the Hero has some sort of superstition. He’ll never travel in groups larger than four. So that means that one of us will need to return to the Hero’s house and wait around until they’re needed. Of course, I got sent home.

Every few days or so, they’d send someone new over there, and our group just kept on expanding. The Hero would come in every once in awhile, and he’d bring different people out with him, as he felt their abilities would be useful in the coming days. But I’ve not once been allowed to set foot out of this house since I was told to enter it. It’s driving me nuts.

At first, I tried talking to some of my comrades, but they’re all content to just walk back and forth, repeating the same few sentences about how evil the Dark Lord is. So, much of my time here has been spent in solitude. I’m almost considering just leaving and going back home. My family hasn’t seen me in weeks, and I’m beginning to miss my friends and my job.

Oh, wait. The Hero’s arrived. This might be my big chance. Perhaps he finally needs me.

Okay, let’s see. He’s pointing to the model chick. No surprise there. Seems he can’t go anywhere without dragging his girlfriend along.

Okay, who’s he pointing to now? Ah. The ninja. Mysterious guy. Won’t even reveal his real name. I’ve been calling him Sanchi-san. He doesn’t think it’s funny. But hey, that’s what he gets for being so secretive.

All right, one more remaining. I’m feeling like today might be my day. He’s beginning to point. His arm is moving in my direction. He’s pointing at me! He’s actually pointing at me!

Wait.

No.

He’s pointing over my left shoulder. Who’s back there? Who’s he pointing to? He’s pointing to…

The talking cat?!

He chose the fucking cat over me? What the fuck? What use could he possibly have for a cat? What’s he going to do, anyway? Cough up hairballs on the Dark Lord? Shit and piss on him? Hell, choose the gambler, at the very least. He uses dice as a weapon, and he’s still more deadly than a fucking cat!

And there they go. The four of ‘em. Fucking best of friends.

This is ludicrous. Why am I still here? Why do I put up with this? What’s preventing me from walking out the door right now?

Yes! I will leave. I’ll leave right now. I’ll go home, get married, and open up my own Item Shop. The hell with this adventure and this Hero. Who needs ‘em? I’m out of here.

But, no, I’d better not. After all, he may yet have need of me. No, better to stay here, pacing back and forth on the upper floor balcony, like I always am. Sooner or later, he’ll have need of me. He has to.

He has to.