The Legend of the Great City of Penguiton
by
Christopher Wilhelm

It all begins in the summer of ’88, back when the world was still green and beautiful. Of course, as this story is set in Antarctica, a green landscape doesn’t really apply. But yes, anyway, ’88, green and beautiful, Antarctica. And in Antarctica, just outside of the Transantarctic Mountains, is the great walled city of Penguiton, where all the best and brightest penguins live. The penguins spend all their time frolicking, and playing the panpipes, and conversing with nature, and all that other lame stuff that people make sound idyllic but is actually just really silly. However, this silly sort of peace would not last long, for that summer is the summer that the unicorns arrived.

They came in their giant unicorn SUVs, blasting pollution into the sky and getting four miles to the gallon. They drove around, completely encircling Penguiton. After what seemed like an absurd amount of silence, a voice rang out. A single unicorn stood out amongst the rest, twice the size of his brothers, and with a horn that was pointier than the Seattle Space Needle. It was he who spoke.

“Greetings,” he said, in his booming unicorn voice. “I am Ragna Rock, the unicorn president¹. I come here with a proposition. We would really like to purchase some of your land. Come on out here and speak with us, little penguins. Speak with us and we’ll detail all our plans for your fine city. Tell us, how do you feel about mini malls?”

The penguins, however, were silent.

“Fine, fine,” said Ragna Rock. “We understand. This is a big decision. You discuss. We’ll come back tomorrow at noon to hear what you’ve decided.” And with that, the entire unicorn SUV train returned from whence it came, their tracks quickly covered by an incoming blizzard.

Meanwhile, within Penguiton, an emergency meeting of the Penguin High Council was called. The council members were made up of all the most important members of the penguin community. At the front of the room, sitting atop the highest chair, was the leader of the Penguin High Council, Penopolis².

“My fellow penguins,” he began, as it was customary that all meetings of the Penguin High Council begin with those words, “we must come to a decision regarding these unicorns and their proposal.”

Rigatoni, a representative of the Macaroni penguins, stepped forward. “This is a travesty,” he squawked. “These unicorns trespass on our land, and then seek to remove us by offering up sweet words regarding mini malls? Unacceptable! We penguins have a right to fish and frolic and cohabitate with nature without being interrupted by mythological creatures and their plans for commercial takeover. To hell with them, I say.”

At this, the room burst into disorganized shouting. However, the din was immediately quelled as Squormal, a youthful representative of the Southern Rockhopper penguins, stepped forward. “I think I can speak for everyone when I say that we must be wary of the trustworthiness of unicorns,” and all the penguins in the room nodded in agreement. “That said, I would also like to point out how much I love mini malls. I mean, I’m tired of going to the same shops over and over again.”

“I concur,” said Penopolis. “We can all agree that the introduction of a mini mall would significantly improve our quality of life…”

“Agree nothing!” shouted Rigatoni, hopping up and down excitedly. “Under no circumstances should we even be considering this. Of have you all forgotten what happened when we let those griffons put a public swimming pool in our fair city?” Upon mention of the public pool, all the penguins in the room shuddered fearfully, and one even shed a single tear at the memory. “I will not allow such an event to occur again! There is only one course of action for us! To war, penguins! To war!” A great cheer went through the assemblage, and Penopolis soon gave up his efforts to regain order, knowing that it was futile.

The following day, at noon, the unicorns returned to the city, and Ragna Rock again stepped forward. “So,” he bellowed, “have you all considered my offer?”

The response was surprising, as all of the penguins began whooping and shouting in unison. Then, over the top of the city walls rained down a barrage of rocks and large pieces of ice. The unicorns had no choice but to make a hasty retreat.

After regrouping a safe distance away from Penguiton, the unicorns held a counsel of their own.

“I feared this may occur,” said Ragna Rock sadly. “But we shall not stand for it! Under no circumstances will we allow small, flightless birds to deny us our right to build mini malls wherever we see fit. We now go to battle, my friends, and when we’re through there won’t even be enough usable land to build a parking lot on!”

The assembled unicorns gave off a scream that was filled with all the fury and carnage of battle, and they ran charging back to the gated walls of Penguiton.

As the unicorns stampeded closer, the penguins renewed their barrage of rocks. The unicorns, however, in their rage, were able to ignore the pain, and charged right up to the walls of the city. Once there, they set upon the walls, using their horns like mighty chisels, chipping the city’s defenses away.

*Chink, chink, chink* was the sound it made, and the penguins heard this sound for three days and for three nights, because unicorns rarely ever tire, and their horns can never break.

After three days of this, however, the unicorns were beginning to grow impatient. The walls of Penguiton were much harder than they had anticipated, and while they were still making progress, it wasn’t very much.

“Halt, my fellows,” shouted Ragna Rock over the clamor of battle. “It appears as though brute force will not win the day, so we must utilize our other skills. After all, are we not beings forged from magic? So let spells accomplish what strength could not.”

At this, the unicorns all ceased their assault, and began a slow, deep chant. As the unicorns chanted, their horns began to glow a bright blue. Clouds rolled in and blocked out the sun, and the unicorns’ chant continued unabated. Suddenly, the sky was ripped open, and flaming boulders fell from the sky, as the sorcerous retribution of the unicorns was finally unleashed.

As the penguins realized that their city was at risk, they finally started to panic. They had expected that nothing could harm them behind the city walls, but this was proving them incorrect.

However, the unicorns had once again underestimated their waddling opponents. While it is true that penguins do not possess any natural magic ability, they are quite adept at ritual sacrifice. An altar was quickly prepared, and Reynooloo, a female Little Blue penguin, was selected. Penopolis raised the traditional dagger over her small body, and quickly plunged it into her stomach. As her entrails were scattered about (much to the delight of the younger penguins), a cloudy shape began to form.

The penguins had summoned forth a powerful djinn. “Go,” shouted Penopolis. “Destroy my enemies!”

The djinn soared over the walls and came down upon the terrified unicorn army. Any unicorn touched by the djinn burst from the inside, cooked instantly. Soon, the majority of the unicorn army was devastated, and the few survivors fled as far as they were able.

A great cheer went up amongst the penguins as they saw their hated enemies running from the scene of unicorn massacre. Unfortunately, the penguins’ mastery over conjuration was not as complete as they thought. With no more unicorns to combust, the angry djinn turned his aggressions on Penguiton.

As the penguins’ fate began to mirror that of the unicorns’, Penopolis saw no other option than to order a complete evacuation of the city. The djinn continued to pick off the penguins one at a time until he became bored and promptly unsummoned himself in an underwhelming puff of smoke.

The penguins had run almost as far as their legs could carry them before they came upon the remnants of the unicorn army, who had made camp after undergoing a significant bout of running themselves. The two groups looked menacingly at one another for a while before Ragna Rock finally spoke.

“You see what war has done to our people?” he asked the small group of surviving penguins. “We are only a handful of unicorns, where once we were a mighty army. And you yourselves are reduced to nearly nothing, and your city lay in ruins.”

“Yes,” said Penopolis, “this is truly a tragedy. But what would you suggest we do?”

“Simple,” replied Ragna Rock. “I suggest that we put an end to all wars. From this day forth, the unicorns and the penguins shall be best friends forever!”

“I concur!” shouted Penopolis joyously. “Let us celebrate with some delicious pie!” And that is precisely what they did.

End.