The Adventures of Ryan
To the Shoe Store
by
Christopher Wilhelm

Characters

Ryan – Main character and a fine young man
Monkey Companion – Ryan’s monkey companion who lives with him and accompanies him on his capers
Mr. Crunklebottoms – Ryan’s very cranky next-door neighbor
Marguerite – Clerk who works at the shoe store

Scene One

In Ryan’s house

Ryan and Monkey Companion are watching TV.

Ryan: (sighs) I’m not satisfied. I feel as though there’s something missing in my life. If I could only figure out what it was…

TV: We’ll return to our program right after this word from our sponsors. “Hey, do you ever feel depressed? Do you ever feel as though there’s something missing in your life?”

Ryan: I sure do.

TV: “It’s a scientifically proven fact that the only way to make yourself happy is through purchasing material things! So come on down to Seymour’s Super Store. If we don’t have it, it’s probably illegal.”

Ryan: That’s exactly my problem! I need to buy myself something. That would cheer me up. And I know just the thing: a new pair of boots!

Monkey Companion: (looks at Ryan, unconvinced)

Ryan: But, they can’t just be any boots. They have to be the coolest boots ever invented. They have to be, like, space boots!

Monkey Companion: (begins hopping about excitedly)

Ryan: Come Monkey Companion, to the shoe store!

Scene Two

Outside Ryan’s house

Mr. Crunklebottoms is watering his lawn.

(Ryan and Monkey Companion come out of Ryan’s house)

Ryan: Hey Mr. Crunklebottoms, how’s it going?

Mr. Crunklebottoms: Shut up, you goddamned kid. Don’t talk to me when I’m watering my lawn. You know, back in my day, we put people like you in camps. And not the fun kind, either.

Ryan: I rarely know what you’re talking about Mr. Crunklebottoms. Anyway, I’m on my way to go buy some new boots.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: Boots? Hmph. Any respectable member of society wears loafers.

Ryan: But, these are going to be the greatest boots ever. They’re not going to be gay, limp-wristed cowboy boots. They’re going to be way more awesome. They’re going to be space boots.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: What did space ever do for us?

Ryan: Well, I’m on my way to the shoe store. Goodbye Mr. Crunklebottoms.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: Go to Hell!

Scene Three

At the shoe store

Ryan: Wow, there sure are a lot of boots here. I wonder how I’m ever going to choose the appropriate boots for my particular demographic…

Marguerite: Hey there. Can I help you find something?

Ryan: Why, yes, I believe you can. I’m interested in some boots. Particularly, boots of the space variety. And I was thinking about getting them in red.

Marguerite: Ooh! I always did enjoy a man in space boots. Though, I think you’d look much better in blue space boots.

Ryan: Blue it is. So, what’s your name?

Marguerite: I’m Marguerite.

Ryan: Wow. You have a really long name. Too long. I’m going to call you Sid for short.

Marguerite: Sid? But I’m –

Ryan: Yep, Sid it is. So Sid, would you like to come back to my place? I’ll wear the boots.

Marguerite: Yes, I would like that very much.

Ryan: Hey, wait. Where’s Monkey Companion?

(Monkey Companion, wearing red space boots, leaps off the top of a nearby shelf and knocks over a display of fashionable, yet reasonably priced, sandals. Four people were injured, and two are in critical condition.)

Ryan: Hahaha! What a silly monkey!

Scene Four

Outside Ryan’s house

Mr. Crunklebottoms is still watering his lawn.

Ryan: Hello again Mr. Crunklebottoms. I must say, you have the dampest grass on the whole block. Here, I’d like you to meet my new special lady friend. Mr. Crunklebottoms, this is Sid.

Marguerite: Uncle Crunklebottoms! Ryan, you didn’t tell me you lived next door to my uncle.

Ryan: Uncle?

Mr. Crunklebottoms: That’s right. Marguerite here is my niece.

Ryan: Oh. Well, she has agreed to help me test out my awesome new space boots… while laying down in bed… without any clothes on… and sweating profusely… possibly while eating a sandwich…

Mr. Crunklebottoms: Oh no you’re not. You keep your hands away from my niece. You hear me?
(Monkey Companion suddenly leaps onto Mr. Crunklebottoms’ head, causing him to accidentally spray Marguerite with the hose.)

Marguerite: Oh no! I’ve become moistened! Ryan, I never want to see you again!

(Marguerite runs away crying.)

Ryan: Curse you Fate! Why must you always deny me the one thing in life I truly want? Apart from these awesome new space boots.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: Get a haircut, you girl.

Scene Five

On a street corner

Across the street, there is an orphanage on fire.

Ryan: Good job setting that orphanage on fire, Monkey Companion. Now, we just wait for Sid to walk by, and when she does I’ll use my new space boots to rescue all the orphans. Then she’ll have to like me again. I hope she comes soon, before all the orphans burn to death.

(Marguerite starts walking down the street towards Ryan.)

Ryan: Oh, here she comes now.

(Ryan uses the jet thrusters on his space boots to fly through the window of the orphanage. He soon flies out a window on the other side of the building, carrying a large group of children in his arms. He deposits the children on the ground, in front of Marguerite. Then, he uses the space boots’ built-in fire extinguisher on the orphans, as some of them are on fire. Then, he raises his eyebrow enticingly at Marguerite.)

Scene Six

In Ryan’s bedroom

Ryan and Marguerite are in bed, naked. Ryan is eating a sandwich.

Marguerite: Wow. You were amazing. Care to go again?

(Suddenly, Mr. Crunklebottoms bursts through the door, wielding a rake.)
Mr. Crunklebottoms: Damn you! I told you to keep your hands off my niece!

Ryan: Uh-oh. Looks like I’ve done it this time.

(Ryan and Mr. Crunklebottoms run from the room in an amusing, yet clichéd, chase scene.)

End.