The Adventures of Ryan
To the Pet Store
by
Christopher Wilhelm

Characters

Ryan – The main character and an incredibly good dancer.
Monkey Companion – Ryan’s ever-present companion who occasionally does bad things.
Mr. Crunklebottoms – Ryan’s homicidal next-door neighbor.
Clerk – Unsuccessful peon who works at the pet store.
John – Ryan’s best friend and a hunting enthusiast.

Scene One

In Ryan’s house

Ryan walks into the living room to see Monkey Companion brooding

Ryan: What’s going on Monkey Companion? Are you ready to go to the mall and throw jelly beans at people who annoy us?

Monkey Companion: (sighs despondently)

Ryan: Wow Monkey Companion, I’ve never seen you so despondent before. What’s the matter? Are you lonely?

Monkey Companion: (nods)

Ryan: You’re lonely? Well, we’ll need to do something about that. Would you like a second monkey companion to keep you company?

Monkey Companion: (nods excitedly)

Ryan: Perhaps a female monkey companion that you can knock monkey boots with?

Monkey Companion: (nods uncontrollably)

Ryan: Well, we’re not going to do that. That’s gross. But I will take you to the pet store and let you pick out a gerbil, or something. To the pet store!

Female Voice: Ryan, stop yelling and come back to bed.

Ryan: …after a quickie!

Scene Two

At the pet store

Mr. Crunklebottoms is talking to the clerk

Mr. Crunklebottoms: I’m looking for a snake big enough to eat a monkey. Do you have anything like that?

Clerk: Big enough to eat a monkey? No, I’m afraid not. Why would you want something like that?

Mr. Crunklebottoms: If you’ve got mice, you buy a cat. I’ve got monkeys, so I need a big snake.

Clerk: (frowns) No, we have nothing like that.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: Do you know of a good primate exterminator? Or what about Jane Goodall? Do you have her phone number?

Clerk: Jane Goodall? But she helps apes. She doesn’t exterminate them.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: No, that was unrelated to the monkey. I just think she’s hot.

Ryan and Monkey Companion enter the store

Ryan: Hey Mr. Crunklebottoms. I haven’t seen you in a while. What brings you here?

Mr. Crunklebottoms: If you talk to me again, I will kill and eat your entire family.

Ryan: Wow, you’d have to be really hungry to do that.

Mr. Crunklebottoms scowls and leaves the establishment

Clerk: Hi, can I help you?

Ryan: I’m looking for a pet for Monkey Companion.

Clerk: You want to buy a pet for your pet monkey?

Monkey Companion leaps up, wraps his arms and legs around the clerk’s body, and begins gnawing on his jugular

Ryan: Oh, you shouldn’t have said that. You’d better apologize. Oh, too late. You’re unconscious. That was well done Monkey Companion, but how are we supposed to buy something from a comatose salesman?

Monkey Companion shrugs, then runs over to a nearby aquarium and begins scooping out and then eating goldfish

Ryan: Hey, save some for me.

Scene Three

In Ryan’s house

Ryan and Monkey Companion are walking in through the front door

Ryan: I don’t know why you always do bad things Monkey Companion. I think you might be the devil.

John suddenly walks in

Ryan: Oh look. My best buddy John is here.

John: Hey man, what’s been going on today?

Ryan: Well, I took Monkey Companion to the pet store to get him a gerbil, but he rendered the clerk unconscious and ate all the freshwater fish. Without sharing.

John: No, you’ve got it all wrong. You’re not supposed to purchase small animals. You’re supposed to shoot the crap out of them.

Ryan: I don’t see how that will help Monkey Companion with his depression.

John: Of course it will. I find it to be one of the best experiences in life. I love the feel of cool metal in my hands. I love the smell of fresh gunpowder. I love the feeling of warmth given off by the muzzle after I’ve fired a round. I love knowing that if my finger is itchy I could accidentally kill another human being.

Ryan: Wow. You’re right. That does sound fun. To a place where deer reside!

Scene Four

In the area of deer residence

Ryan, John, and Monkey Companion are hunting deer with rifles

Ryan: This sucks. I thought it would be more like Duck Hunt. You promised you had a laughing dog.

John: (buried in a pile of deer corpses) I love the sound of a deer’s skull shattering as a rifle round burrows through its head. I love the palpable taste of fear in the air as deer see one of their fellows suddenly die. I love the feel of warm deer innards as I slowly rub them all over my naked body.

Ryan: Well, at least you’re enjoying yourself. How’s Monkey Companion doing?

Ryan looks over to see Monkey Companion gnawing on a deer’s jugular

Ryan: Monkey Companion, you’re the greatest.

Scene Five

Outside Ryan’s house

Mr. Crunklebottoms is standing on his lawn as Ryan tells him about the hunting trip

Ryan: …and that’s how I cured Monkey Companion’s depression.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: That’s it; I’m eating your family. And I’m going to enjoy every minute of it. I’m going to enjoy the feel of the knife as I’m cutting your relatives up into little pieces. I will enjoy the smell as I roast the various bits over an open flame. I will enjoy the taste as they slide down my throat and into my gullet.

John: I really like this guy.

Ryan: John, you’re too disturbing to be on my show anymore.

John: Damn.

End.