The Adventures of Ryan
To the Personal Hygiene Store
by
Christopher Wilhelm

Characters

Ryan – The main character and a snazzy dresser.
Monkey Companion – Mischievous primate who is Ryan’s constant companion.
Mr. Crunklebottoms – Ryan’s unreasonably angry next-door neighbor.
Matt: A particularly hygiene-impaired individual.

Scene One

In Ryan’s house

Ryan and Monkey Companion are watching TV. Both have messy, unflattering hair.

Ryan: Monkey Companion, your fur is looking very grimy today. Have you showered recently?

Monkey Companion: (begins chattering angrily)

Ryan: Well, I suppose you have a point. My hair hasn’t been at its best lately. For some reason, I’ve been unable to achieve a satisfactory level of shine and bounce. But I don’t think that detracts from my overall attractiveness. (looks out the window) I’ll prove it to you. There’s a girl walking past right now.

Ryan goes over and opens the front door

Ryan: Hey, you think I’m sexy, right?

Young Woman: Oh, gross! It’s a hideous troll!

Ryan: Curse my dry, split ends! That settles it: to the personal hygiene store!

Scene Two

Outside Ryan’s house

Mr. Crunklebottoms is trimming his bushes.

Ryan: Hey Mr. Crunklebottoms. What are you doing today?

Mr. Crunklebottoms: I was planning on breaking into your house and putting arsenic in all your food.

Ryan: Fun times. I’m going to go buy new shampoo and conditioner. Say, your hair looks pretty good. What kind do you use?

Mr. Crunklebottoms: I don’t have any hair. I lost it to The War. Now there’s shrapnel in embedded in my head.

Ryan: I didn’t know you went to war. Was it Vietnam?

Mr. Crunklebottoms: No, the name of the barber I go to is Sidney War. I call him The War for short. He cut off all my hair and put shrapnel in my head. It’s the second best haircut I ever had.

Ryan: What was the first?

Mr. Crunklebottoms: I once scalped an Indian and wore his hair like a helmet.

Ryan: Everything you say paints an increasingly frightening picture of your life.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: I’m going to stab you in your sleep.

Scene Three

At the hygiene aisle of the local department store

Ryan: There are a lot of kinds of shampoo. Shampoo for dry hair, shampoo for greasy hair, shampoo for short hair, shampoo for long hair, shampoo for infants, shampoo for women, shampoo for dogs, shampoo for piano tuners… This is overwhelming.

Matt walks by

Ryan: Excuse me, sir. I couldn’t help but notice that you have a glorious mane of hair. Could I ask you what your secret is?

Matt: Well, first you have to grow your hair out really long. Then, you have to quit showering. Then, you put a hat on and don’t take it off for a few weeks. And when you finally take the hat off, don’t do anything to your hair except add Febreeze for the smell.

Ryan: Yes, I see. Any other personal care tips?

Matt: Febreeze takes care of most smells, but some are just too powerful. For particularly naughty smells, I recommend tomato soup. It doesn’t actually hide the stink, but people tend to ignore the way a man smells when he’s covered in red stains. Like lepers. Nobody ever complains about the way they smell. They have enough problems.

Ryan: Yes, well, that’s horrific…

Matt: Also, I recommend rubbing your body with sweet and sour chicken with water chestnuts.

Ryan: …why?

Matt: For the ladies. Chicks love Chinese food.

Ryan: Oh. All right. Thanks for your help.

Matt: Remember this when choosing smell reducers: If it’s thick, it should stick. If it’s runny, you’ll still smell funny.

Matt leaves

Ryan: That was the most repugnant conversation I’ve ever had. I think I’ve managed to learn which products I shouldn’t buy, at least. Hey, where’s Monkey Companion?

Monkey Companion shoots by on an office chair propelled by a fire extinguisher. Department store security is in hot pursuit.

Ryan: Oh, come on! This is one of the few places we haven’t been kicked out of yet.

Scene Four

Outside Ryan’s house

Mr. Crunklebottoms is still in the yard.

Ryan: Good news, Mr. Crunklebottoms. In this plastic bag I have many different bottles. When I apply the contents of these bottles to my scalp, I will become completely irresistible to women.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: I don’t think you should be allowed to procreate.

Ryan: That reminds me, whatever happened to your niece? She and I haven’t spoken since you chased me out of her bed with a rake.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: After your encounter with her, she needed a deep-tissue cleanser. She’s now in a better place.

Ryan: A better place? You mean she died?

Mr. Crunklebottoms: No, she’s in Vermont.

Ryan: Anyway, I need to go shower, so that the magic liquids can be applied to my head and make me super sexy again.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: The more time you spend in your house, the happier I am.

Scene Five

Outside Ryan’s house

Ryan’s hair is perfectly clean and shiny. Monkey Companion has a beautiful, shimmering coat.

Ryan: I’m tons more confident now that I have my beautiful hair back. I can’t wait to try it out.

Young woman rides by Ryan’s house on a bicycle

Ryan: Look Monkey Companion, it’s the same girl from the other day. Hey babe, what do you think of my lustrous hair now?

Young Woman: I have an uncontrollable desire to sleep with you.

Ryan: Awesome.

Young Woman: Your troll roommate isn’t home, is he? That guy scared me the other day.

Ryan: I’m willing to ignore how stupid you are because of how naked you’re going to be soon. To the bedroom!

End.