The Adventures of Ryan
To the Drive Thru
by
Christopher Wilhelm

Characters

Ryan – The main character and a fantastic specimen of a human male.
Monkey Companion – Ryan’s constant companion and a fantastic specimen of a macaque male.
Mr. Crunklebottoms – Ryan’s next-door neighbor and a fantastic specimen of a cranky old man.
Cordelia – Burger Bell employee and a fantastic specimen of a fast food worker.
Lauren – A terrible specimen of pretty much anything.

Scene One

In Ryan’s house

Ryan and Monkey Companion are in the living room

Ryan: (stomach growls)

Monkey Companion: (stomach growls louder)

Ryan: Show off. However, our stomachs bring up a good point: we’re hungry. To the pantry!

Ryan goes into the other room

Ryan’s Voice: We have exactly 47 jars of expired peanut butter, and not much else. It looks like we’ll need to find food elsewhere. To the refrigerator! What? More peanut butter? Apparently my supermarket skills defy all logic and common sense. Where else might there be food?

Later…

Ryan walks into the living room. Monkey Companion is attempting to eat a sofa cushion

Ryan: Well, I’ve looked in the pantry, the refrigerator, all the cupboards, the stove, the VCR, under the bed, beneath the couch cushions, and in Mr. Crunklebottoms’ bird bath. There’s no food anywhere. I guess there’s just one option left: to the drive thru!

Scene Two

At the Burger Bell drive thru

Ryan is ordering from his car

Ryan: I want a Merry Chicken Sandwich, Happy Fries, and a Jolly Drink. Oh, and a Cheeseburger of Exuberance for my Monkey Companion.

Monkey Companion: (chitters rapidly)

Ryan: Okay, no, make that a Double Cheeseburger of Exuberance.

Drive Thru Voice: All right, that’ll be $5.82.

Ryan drives to the window. The girl at the window hands him his food

Girl: Anything else?

Ryan: Why, yes, actually. I was wondering if I could get that with a side of your number?

Girl: Sure. (hands Ryan a slip of paper) My name’s Cordelia.

Ryan: I’m Ryan, and this is Monkey Companion.

Cordelia: Aw, he’s adorable.

Ryan: No, not really. Since I’ve known him he’s committed assault and battery, burglary, defacing government property, loitering, grand arson, satanic rituals, and manslaughter. In addition, I suspect him of racketeering. Furthermore, he has fleas.

Monkey Companion: (does a dance on the passenger seat of the car)

Cordelia: Aw, look at the cute little monkey. He’s so silly.

Ryan: You’re not listening to a thing I’m saying. I’ll call you tonight.

Scene Three

Ryan and Monkey Companion are driving down the road. The two are engaged in a heated debate

Monkey Companion: (squabbling angrily)

Ryan: All I’m saying is that you have not sufficiently proven to me that you are not involved in racketeering.

Monkey Companion: (chatters confusedly)

Ryan: A jet pack? No, that’s rocketeering. I’m talking about racketeering. Racketeering is when you- Oh my God, there’s a red-haired buffalo in the road!

Ryan crashes his car into Lauren. Ryan gets out of the car

Ryan: I can’t believe I just killed a bipedal buffalo. Wait, that’s not a buffalo. That’s a person. A really large and ugly person, but still a person. Look at how wide her face is. My bumper must have really messed her up.

Monkey Companion gets out of the car and walks over to Lauren. He begins drawing on her face with a marker

Ryan: Monkey Companion, aren’t you just making things worse?

Monkey Companion: (squeaks out a short reply)

Ryan: Well, yeah, it is a little funny. But still, what are we supposed to do with her?

Monkey Companion: (squabbles and gestures)

Ryan: You think we should just drag her to the side of the road and leave her there? Well, I guess I don’t see any flaws at all in this plan. Let’s do it!

Scene Four

In Ryan’s bedroom

Ryan and Cordelia are lying in bed

Ryan: …and that’s the story of how I nearly killed a big-faced buffalo girl.

Cordelia: I think it’s a bit soon in our relationship for you to be telling me about your manslaughter.

Ryan: Re…la…tion…ship…? Yes, I think I’ve heard this word before…

Cordelia: Yeah, I’m going to leave now.

Cordelia leaves

Ryan: (sits up) Wait a minute. I haven’t seen Mr. Crunklebottoms all day. I wonder what he’s been up to.

Scene Five

In Mr. Crunklebottoms bedroom

Mr. Crunklebottoms and a still-unconscious, drawn upon Lauren are in bed

Mr. Crunklebottoms: This was the second best night of my entire life!

End.