The Adventures of Ryan
To the Halloween Party
by
Christopher Wilhelm

Characters

Ryan – The main character and creator of a delicious bean burrito.
Monkey Companion – Ryan’s monkey companion and creator of a new strain of anthrax.
Mr. Crunklebottoms – Ryan’s next-door neighbor and creator of a general feeling of uneasiness.
Courtney – A professional partier and creator of nothing particularly useful.
God – Omnipotent creator of everything. Unless you don’t believe in God. Then I don’t know what.

Scene One

In Ryan’s house

Monkey Companion is watching TV

Ryan runs in through the front door

Ryan: The mail came. We got an invitation to a Halloween party. And you laughed at me when I bought that giant taco costume. Well, who’s laughing now?

Monkey Companion: (shakes head sadly)

Ryan: Well, what are you going as that’s so great?

Monkey Companion: (chatters)

Ryan: A vampire? That’s it? How lame. Like no one’s ever come up with that idea before.

Monkey Companion: (chatters more)

Ryan: Wait, a Viking vampire? That… that is the greatest thing I have ever heard. Think I could pull off a Viking taco?

Monkey Companion: (stares blankly)

Ryan: Yeah, me neither… Well, anyway, to the party!

Scene Two

At a Halloween party

Ryan is dressed as a taco, and Monkey Companion is dressed as a Viking vampire

Monkey Companion: (pointing and chittering)

Ryan: I agree. Fat girls simply cannot pull off a Wonder Woman costume. But look over there, at the girl not wearing a costume. What do you think of her? Monkey Companion?

Monkey Companion is attempting to chew through a piñata

Ryan: Oh, okay Monkey Companion. You just keep doing your thing. I’m about to go do mine. (to Courtney) Hey, how’s it going? You are easily the hottest girl here.

Courtney: Hey yourself. You’re probably the second hottest guy here.

Ryan: Second? Who’s the first?

Courtney: There’s a guy walking around dressed as a Viking vampire.

Ryan: He’s a monkey.

Courtney: I don’t care what he does for a living. He’s cute.

Ryan: Wow, you’re an idiot. That’s promising. Do you want to come back to my place?

Courtney: Do you have cable?

Ryan: Um, no…

Courtney: Well, what about rope?

Ryan: Rope?

Courtney: Or handcuffs?

Ryan: This is going to be awesome!

Scene Three

The next morning

In Ryan’s bedroom

Ryan and Courtney are in bed

Ryan wakes up

Ryan: (looks over) Gah! Who the hell are you?

Courtney: We came back from the party together. Don’t you remember?

Ryan: No no no. I specifically remember coming home with a really hot girl. You are not really hot.

Courtney: No, silly, that was my Halloween costume. I went as a really hot girl.

Ryan: I feel… betrayed. And filthy. I am going to go sit in the shower for a couple of hours. Then I’m probably going to go seek some professional help, due to all the emotional trauma I’m suffering.

Courtney: Okay. I’ll be here when you get back.

Ryan: (shudders) (runs into bathroom)

Scene Four

A couple hours later

Outside Ryan’s house

Mr. Crunklebottoms is sitting on his front porch

Ryan: (comes out of his house) Mr. Crunklebottoms, I did a horrible, horrible thing last night, and I really need to talk to somebody about it.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: So, you did a really bad thing?

Ryan: Yes.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: And it’s causing you significant emotional trauma?

Ryan: Yes.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: And you want to talk about it, in order to make yourself feel better?

Ryan: Yes.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: That sounds like something a woman would do. Are you going to wear a dress and shave your legs, too?

Ryan: But Mr. Crunklebottoms, you’re my second best friend, and I can’t talk to my first best friend about it.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: Because he’s a monkey?

Ryan: Because he’s a jerk. You’ve got to help me.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: We’re not friends. I don’t like you. In fact, in the near future, I intend to chop you up into little pieces and feed you to the squirrels in the park. Now, get off my lawn!

Ryan: Well, who else could I talk to? Oh, I have an idea…

Scene Five

In church

Ryan is in a pew, praying

Ryan: Listen, God, I did a really bad thing, and I am concerned for my immortal soul. What can I do to save myself?

God appears in a ray of sunlight

God: Whoa man, what’s happening? That you, Ryan?

Ryan: Yes sir.

God: Bro, what’s cracking? You say you did a bad thing?

Ryan: Yes sir.

God: Well, don’t sweat it. Happens all the time. I mean, if I felt bad every time I did a bad thing… well, I would spend most of my time feeling bad.

Ryan: Really God? You do bad things too?

God: Oh yeah. This one time, I nailed an uggo. One of the worst days of my life.

Ryan: Wow.

God: Yeah, so don’t worry about it. You are my number one dawg. Anyway, I’ve got a pot roast in the oven. Peace out brother.

Ryan: See you later God.

Scene Six

In Ryan’s bedroom

Courtney and Monkey Companion are in bed

Courtney: I’m so glad you showed up. I don’t think that other guy was coming back.

Monkey Companion: (squabbles)

Courtney: “My stomach is now serving as an incubator for your monkey offspring”? Aw, you always know just the right thing to say.

Monkey Companion: (more squabbling)

Courtney: I love you too.

End.