The Adventures of Ryan
To Dreamworld
by
Christopher Wilhelm

Characters

Ryan – The main character; he’s the same height as Wolverine.
Monkey Companion – Ryan’s monkey companion; he’s as furry as Wolverine.
Mr. Crunklebottoms – Ryan’s neighbor; he’s as violent as Wolverine.
Marguerite – Ryan’s former fling; she’s highly attracted to Hugh Jackman as Wolverine.
James – Ryan’s friend; he’s nothing like Wolverine at all.

Scene One

In Ryan’s living room

James and Monkey Companion are lying on the couch

Ryan walks into the room

Ryan: Oh, James. You’re still here. On my couch. In the exact position you’ve been in for the past six days. Were you planning on leaving any time soon?

James: Bro, man, be a bro. I mean, sometimes a guy’s got to lie on the couch, bro. Bro.

Ryan: Yeah, that’s great and all, but look at Monkey Companion. He hasn’t moved since you’ve been here. And he’s starting to put on weight. I think you’re a bad influence on him.

James: Bro, you’re breaking my heart. That was very unbro of you. I have been the best bro to you I know how to be, guy.

Ryan: Clearly I’m not getting through to you, and your use of nouns is atrocious. I need to go away for a while. To anywhere that James isn’t!

James: Get me more chips, bro.

Scene Two

Outside Ryan’s house

Mr. Crunklebottoms is standing in his yard

Ryan: Hey there Mr. Crunklebottoms. Funny how you’re always out in the yard every time I come out of my house.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: Nothing funny about it. I locked myself out of my house three months ago, so I’ve just been staying out in the yard until the situation resolves itself.

Ryan: Wow Mr. Crunklebottoms, your problem solving skills leave a lot to be desired. But be that as it may, I do need some advice. I need help getting rid of a guest who has overstayed his welcome.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: Oh, that’s easy: stab him in the temple. And if he fights back, cut out his tongue. Then burn the body on an altar made of human bone, and chant words in a language that you just made up. If you make up the right words, the Demon Prince will grant you super strength, or something.

Ryan: Your methods sound questionable, but I have always wanted super strength. All right Mr. Crunklebottoms, you talked me into it. I’m off to meet demon royalty. Thanks, Mr. Crunklebottoms.

Mr. Crunklebottoms: After you kill him, save his skin. I’ll make a cardigan out of it.

Scene Three

In Ryan’s living room

James is sleeping on the couch

Ryan is leaning over James, holding a knife

Ryan: Okay, straight into the temple. Steady… Steady… Aim… Careful… Oh, who am I kidding? I can’t kill James. I don’t have an altar made of human bone anyway. I need to come up with a different, preferably nonviolent solution to my problems. Hm… I can’t come up with anything right now. I’m going to sleep on it. To Dreamworld!

Scene Four

In Ryan’s dream

Ryan and James are both contestants on a game show

The game show is hosted by the Demon Prince

Demon Prince: Welcome back to the show! Let’s do a quick recap for those who are just tuning in. All the questions from the first round were in the category of “How to pick up women in sleazy bars.” Ryan swept through that round with little difficulty. However, James quickly caught up in round two, when the questions were all about “Sitting on the couch and eating candy.” Now, as we go into the final round, the score is all tied up. Everything rides on this last question. The category is “Math.” How ya feeling, Ryan? Comfortable with this category?

Ryan: I shall do my best.

Demon Prince: Okay then. Here’s the question: “If two bros travel bro-west from Brocago, how long before they meet up with their bros in Brobuquerque?”

Ryan’s jaw drops and he stares blankly

James: That’s easy. It will take approximately six bro-hours, depending on the number of bros they run into along the way.

Demon Prince: That’s exactly right! James wins the game! And Ryan, for losing, you are sentenced to live with James for the rest of your life!

James: Whoa, buddy, this is awesome, right guy?

Scene Five

In Ryan’s bedroom

Ryan wakes up abruptly

Ryan: He’s annoying even in my dreams. I’ve got to do something to get rid of him.

Ryan takes a deep breath

Ryan: I’m too stressed out right now. I need to take a walk. To the sidewalk!

Scene Six

Outside Ryan’s house

Marguerite is in Mr. Crunklebottoms’ yard

Marguerite: Ryan! How are you? I haven’t seen you since my uncle attacked you with that rake.

Ryan: Sid! I thought you were in Vermont.

Marguerite: Yeah, I just came back for a couple days.

Ryan: A couple days? Well, that doesn’t leave us much time. We’re going to have to squeeze a lot of lovin’ into the next few hours.

Marguerite: Lovin’? Sure, I’ve got a few minutes to spare. To Ryan’s bedroom!

Long pause

Marguerite: How come the scene didn’t change?

Ryan: Oh, it only does that when I do it. Here, watch: To the bedroom!

Scene Seven

In Ryan’s living room

James and Monkey Companion are lying on the couch

Ryan and Marguerite come into the room

Ryan: Wow Sid, you are the only woman I’ve ever taken to my bedroom twice. Usually, I pretend to forget their names the second time I see them. You’re really special.

James: Bro, who is the hot lady-bro you’re with.

Marguerite giggles

Ryan: Oh, yeah. James, this is Sid, the love of my life. Sid, this is James, a total deadbeat. Anyway, Sid, what I was trying to say earlier, I want you to marry me.

Marguerite: Oh, Ryan, no. I know that I’ve only known him for 20 seconds now, but I think James and I are soulmates. We’re going to elope, right now!

Ryan: What?!

James: Bro!

James and Marguerite run off

Ryan: This is the worst day of my life. Well, at least he’s off my couch.

Monkey Companion: (squabbles)

Ryan: What’s that, Monkey Companion? While he was sleeping, you tattooed naked, winged babies all over his body? Aw, thanks Monkey Companion. You’re the best.

End.